So, you are going straight to Defcon 1 at 7 in the morning huh?

Never put jelly on this!

I just want to say right out front that the tone of this quick poem is a little harsh. I took this idea and pushed it way beyond what my wife has spoken to me on the matter. A writer goes to  extremes and I thought pushing this in an insane direction would be more funny. This is meant to be humorous  make us both smile.  I probably will get punched by the wife for this one but, I just had to write about this. Sometimes we argue about the stupidest things. The story goes like this:  She went off on my insensibility about morning condiments and I went into a dissertation about the God-given freedoms of being ABLE to put some butter on your jelly toast. We both need to chill out sometimes. Here is a little insight about our running butter war. Ah, the differences between men and women. Will the two ever meet?


Butter, The root of all evil

a poem by Chris


In my morning haste

with no respect to the canners of this great confection

My knife left its little present for you

A huge cream-colored dollop of cancer you call Butter


In my many meetings with my underlings,

with our obsession to rule the world,

We chose to purposely leave some butter in the jelly

Defying all household rules and damning the consequences


For this evil was planned for months

with careful attention to details

Like: the use of Salted or Unsalted butter

Should I swipe it with the corningware knife or the expensive set we use for Thanksgiving


I am surprised you are still standing

for this frontal attack was of course meant to maim and destroy

I awoke that morning, went straight to the safe

and removed the evil plans that started a great household war


I arose early adorned by black ski mask and tiptoed across the kitchen floor

Gently I pulled back the Utility drawer

and removed my implement of holy terror

My filthy hands reached into our cupboard and removed the one item you must hold most sacred

No, not our wedding license, our grape jelly jar


With you still reeling from my

wrinkling of the duvet, I knew it was time to strike

My household guerrilla tactics are legendary and to be feared and respected

I teemed with anticipation; for I knew you were next to open the jar


I giggled with glee; knowing you would furrow your brow

At the glob of goo that would not pass any TSA airport inspection

I went on with my day wondering if you

Were going to throw the whole jar away

Or cut away the tumor with the skill of a surgeon


For it is always my life mission to

hear screeching from the kitchen about my lack of butter control

I live for the start of my day to contain scolding words

Sometimes the toast and the animal cravings can’t be contained


I just want to apologize for my little slip of the knife

I am sure the economy, the war, death and taxes

Can be directly related to my little slip of the wrist in my morning fog

In the future I will try not to push the earth off of its axis so early in the morning


Dear, I love you. Please forgive my gastronomic error

4 thoughts on “So, you are going straight to Defcon 1 at 7 in the morning huh?

    1. Yeah I went a little crazy on that one. It was fun for me to write it. You should have seen me giggling in the dark at 3am. I, admittedly, have a weird sense of humor.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s